A Haunting Past and A Deceptive Conscience

           I should say that what comes next is kind of a rant, but I needed to articulate what I’m thinking. Please don’t read if you are not interested in those kind of things and do bear with me if you do continue reading. 

I had to deal with a human relationship issue and it wasn’t easy because I was confronted with failings in my past and a possibly (and likely) dishonest conscience. It seems I might have done things a bit too secretly, but then again, I’ve never been one keen to announce the things I do. I’ve realised that not telling people about what I do is enticing because there is room for irresponsibility and failure. After all, if nobody ‘outside’ knows about a mistake, it doesn’t really hurt right? Come to think of it, this is pretty scary: that I prefer to ‘work in darkness.’ Maybe that’s where my conscience is being deceitful, and I’ve been tricked – brainwashed - by my own self to think I’m doing what’s right. How brilliantly ironic.  

          Should I then divulge everything that I do to everybody? Must I report each activity to everyone around me? Would this not seem like drawing attention to myself? Perhaps I need an accountability partner, but it seems difficult to find someone in Durham to be that. In any case, I think I need to trust myself less, doubt my heart a bit more – after all, is it not ‘deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?’ (Jeremiah 17:9)

          Can I escape my past? Am I able to no longer slink in the shadows and hide behind verbal subterfuge when questioned about my motivation for doing things? I know forgiveness and truth can only be found in Christ, but sometimes I think I prefer covering things up and pretentiously accepting acknowledgement from others. This reminds me of John’s Gospel where he write ‘the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil’ (John 3:19).

          It is painful to meet the spectres of my past shortcomings because I am ashamed, terribly ashamed. If I couple that with a deceptive conscience, I think I have the right ingredients for making headway into destruction-land where I not only hurt myself but the people around me, because I’m always running away from confronting the truth. That means I’m running away from God.

          Maybe I should lay my cards bare, be man enough to face up to the consequences of my past (mis)deeds, and stop pretending I’ve got things sorted. I don’t really know how that would look like, but I think it entails not closeting aspects of my past that should be open to scrutiny. It also means that I will have to tread really carefully and constantly place my conscience on the witness dock under intense cross-examination – perhaps even to others’ gaze - when I involve myself in certain activities.

          I guess it’s time to admit that I’m wrong, and cleave ever more desperately to the cross of Christ. When times are turbulent, when I want to rectify things but am misunderstood and circumstances are exacerbated, and my carefully constructed castle of cards comes crashing, then perhaps I can learn to understand these lines ‘Nothing in my hand I bring, / Simply to Thy cross I cling.’